Keeping My Sanity

I wanted to write daily but realised that I can’t write at home. I have three lovely distractions at home and because of them, I don’t have free time.

Good thing I am accountable only to myself as far as the goal to write daily. And so changing it to weekdays isn’t as difficult as when there’s additional accountability.

I think it is important to know when to change, when something isn’t working and therefore needs the be edited. Many times though, we are hesitant and slow to implement changes because of shame, dependencies and laziness. There’s also the desire for things to be right already, for it to be ok the first try. But very few things are right the first time they are made or done. And we don’t have the discipline and mindset to welcome changes, we’ll get stuck with the same thing and the same results.

To iterate is to recognise failure as opportunity to improve and be better.

Dry runs are tests prior full implementation. They are supposed to show issues and cracks in the project so that these can be remedied before the actual performance.

A well planned project should have resolvable or even anticipated issues in the dry run. Innovators, however, carry a more fluid mindset – that it’s better to be fast than safe. So products can be open to further iterations and even overhauls even after a dry run or soft launch. But along with this mindset are values of open mindedness and resilience. They don’t mind the failure. They learn from it. They don’t take it personally.

Politicians/Government officers should have the same cognition and mindset. They should see flaws in their projects and be smart enough to iterate as need be.

Stubbornness won’t get us anywhere.

Window seats are a treat. Particularly, the ones beside the driver. Getting that space is a happy moment, a wonderful coincidence.

That space allows for a wonderful panoramic view – as in my case now, the field, trees and random plants. It allows for air to get in and out as freely as it wants.

I think we each should have our window seat – that space we go back to to breathe and relax, even for a brief moment in time. We are entitled to this treat, once in a while.

It could be a hilltop, an open space, a chair in the garden, or a rooftop. It could be anywhere your heart feels free.

I hope you find your window seat.

I’m going to commit to writing one piece a day. It doesn’t need to be good. It just needs to be meaningful, even just for me.

It’ll be my discipline, a routine I’ll try to abide. Why? I want to keep note of what I think. I want to store the ideas, as they come, as they inspire me.

It’ll be simple. No images, just words. No frills. Just plain thinking. Just my brain speaking.

I hope I can stop minding the audience. I hope I can write for writing’s sake, or for this matter, my sanity’s sake.

Thanks Seth Godin. You made a difference in me.

Ang hirap mag fail. Lalo na kung sunod sunod. OK lng yun 1 year apart pero yung tipong week after week, OMG! Sakit sa bangs!

So this blog is not just to vent but to actually feel and be familiar with my mind and body during failure. So here goes a brain vomit of what I think I am going through.

So first, I felt hunger and thirst. Yun kanina wala kang paki kse kailangan mo tapusin yung dapat mong tapusin. Ngayon na nagawa mo na at talo ka, lahat na naramdaman mo. So now I crave for food, like lots of food and coffee. Ito ata ung comfort food na tinatawagan, to make you feel better and contrast the loser feeling.

Next, I’m mentally active and rushing. Like I want to correct the error right now so I can try again and feel successful. I can’t coz I’m commuting, so that adds to the frustration. I want to remedy things right away, correct it as fast as I can, maybe to overshadow the mistake so I won’t or others won’t actually see it. Acting out of this rushed emotion is tiring and costly. I did that, and I think will still do it. It’s additional expense because I jump on the most accessible, quickest response. I ‘learned’ not to do this in project management, supposedly. Robust planning avoids this.

Also my heart is heavy. It’s where the deep sighs come from. It feels constricted. Like GERD only it’s in the heart not in the throat. Well something is in my throat too. Like pressurised air trapped in the pharynx.

My head seems OK, physically. No pain, except for the normal sleepiness. Not heavy, not light. But spinning with ideas of what I could have not done or what I could have done. There’s a bit of a blame game going on, some guilt matched by rationalisation, some shame and some regret. It’s doing a monologue of how stupid I was, disorganised the committee is, unprofessional some people are and whether all these have value. Oh, it can go on and on. How do I stop it? I talk to people. I vent. I rant. I share my frustration. I open my vulnerabilities to others. And also do this, write! And I am able to silence it somehow or maybe tame it to think better rather than sporadically.

There! A list of my psychological and physiological sensations whenever I fail. Of course some failures are worse than others but, in the end, it’s not as worse as what the initial emotions show. I won’t die because of it, nor will I lose my job or credibility. Wouldn’t it have been better if have not committed them? Hmmm… Maybe. Or not. Come to think of it, this experience has grounded me. It has reminded mo of the value of efficiency and accuracy and coordination. It has melded in me that I am no superwoman. I am a woman complete with capacities and faults. I can never be invincible or perfect. But I can learn, always.

*I’m actually feeling better now. Yey!

To more failures and learnings in the future! Sabi nga ng mga beshies, Fail pa more!

I’ve been putting off a visit to the dentist for a year and so. After I gave birth I failed to make my routine visits and my dental hygiene has suffered. It became so bad that instead of going to the dentist, I avoided the appointment. I was so afraid to be nagged, judged and given bad news. So many times, we are like that. We don’t go to confession because we feel we are so bad. We don’t make ammends because we fear rejection. We don’t start a long delayed goal because we feel there’s no way it will be realised.

So here’s facing my shame in 2019. Here’s to stopping procrastination and delay. Here’s to doing what needs to be done, no matter what others would say. Here’s to being better!

Action cures fear, inaction creates terror. —Douglas Horton

I’ve been conducting training for three days. I’m exhausted. Like hungry and sleepy and tired. I ate a snack in an attempt to fill my energy but it seemed to have not worked. I’m just tired. I wanted to ride a cab or grab to MOA but it was above my budget. So here I am, in a packed train, drained. I wish I could just lie down and sleep and drink warm milk while watching a movie. But, nope. That won’t happen. After I survive my 1-hour commute, I’d go home to 2 kids full of energy and excitement. I’ll have to feed them and ready them for bed, bottlefeed one and breastfeed the other. Wait half awake for them to get any interest in sleep. By the time they go to sleep, I’ve consumed all of my day’s power to even open my phone. No milk, no movie, no chill mode. Just plain sleep in a dead tired mode, with my subconscious fingers crossed. “Let this sleep be uninterrupted. Please, please.”

Often I don’t mind the routine. But there are times that I do. Like today. Like later.