Keeping My Sanity

The sky is pouring out its heart,

And the wind howls in response.

The branches bend, as if feeling her pain.

It starts with a lonely dance, and then rocks and shakes.

“Bend, bend, let it pass”, says the whispers.

“Bend, bend, don’t fight”, again and again.

Outside the boundaries it’s turmoil.

And yet peace is felt.

One respects Nature’s anger,

Like a daughter hearing her furious mom.

Nature has a way of bending us,

Of making us kneel and surrender.

One understands nature,

Many times even more than one’s own heart.

The chaos within is unlike the chaos outside.

It leaves a void when its done

whilst Nature leaves hope when its wrath has passed.

Kids feel warm under the eye of a storm.

People of the past cease life when Nature strikes,

Heeding its anger,

Resting, waiting for it to past.

I wish I could do as they did.

Lie down, listen to the wind, cuddle in my warm bed.

But I can’t,

For the weary heart doesn’t rest.

“Bend, bend” the trees said.

“I can’t, I can’t”, the stubborn man replies.

Random thoughts beginning….

I realise that what this quarantine has forced us to do is to recognize once again what is truly valuable in life – family. Initially, we were forced into it – forced to stay at home, forced to eat meals with family, forced to talk to each other. But as the days and weeks progress, we realise that we have been neglecting this core activity. We have been so engrossed in a routine of work and busyness that family time has taken a back seat. It occupied the leftovers in the schedule we so try to squeeze.

These moments of being with my family welded the recognition that, when we remove all the extras and unnecessary activities, and we extract it to what’s truly important we will be left with our family – caring for children, spending time with your husband, talking to your mother or father, bonding with your siblings. It feels luxurious. It feels like something only rich people could afford. But then I realise that even those people struggle to have these moments – even more so than middle income family.

Feeling luxurious for a time well spent with the family is a misguided mindset. It should be replaced with a feeling of necessity and fulfillment.

While I feel grateful for this time, I can also imagine how this became an issue for others. Stripped of the outside world, there are those who have no escape but to recognize the problems at home, the cracks they have always tried to hide, sense those silent treatments and empty looks. It magnified the small issues and reminded them daily of the pain. It is pain that has depth and can’t be left alone. And for some brave souls, they faced it and let it out in the open. They had to face days of more pain and sufferings but they also started to sense some healing. The quarantine might end without them fully recovering but it is on it’s way there. They had made the hardest decision of recognising the elephant in the room – now, it’s just figuring out how to move it out. It’ll be tough, but it’ll be worth it.

From my heart to yours, may your quarantine days be bearable and even joyous.

Random thoughts ending.

I made a choice to ride UBE express. In my defense, it was the only choice at that time. And I thought it’ll be fast. But as I see the adjacent van get filled up right away, I got the desire to jump out of the shuttle and into the van.

But I already made a choice. And, this being my first experience, I want to give it a chance.

I have a tendency to easily get attached to my choice. I feel bad if I leave it for something else. I feel it’s unfair to say yes and then no when the going gets tough.

I read that our brain desires control and that being able to make a choice is one way to feel it is in control. Some people, though, make choices too often, too fast. Just because we can we should. I believe that part of what contributes to our happiness and fulfillment, apart from choices, is our commitment to it. We need to exercise freedom and intelligence to make a good choice and then commit to it. Choose who to love but don’t give up on first sight of issues. Choose your course well but don’t shift because it’s hard. Choose a company to work for but don’t leave after a conflict with someone.

Sure, there are really wrong choices – those that weren’t thought of properly – and by all means change them if you can. But from there learn how to make better choices.

To be in control, make a choice.

To be happy, stick with your choice.

I have not been waking up well this week. I didn’t even wake up to my alarm today. I have been feeling sluggish and tired early on. And sleepy too (a lot)!

My first impulse is to know why. I was on a roll the past few weeks with my early meditation cum yoga cum quiet time. I was feeling great. And then this happened. Was it a lack of sleep? Hmmm maybe. Was it worry? Maybe. I can’t definitively identify. I don’t even know if it is possible.

Let me try though. I had a quite hectic last week, work wise. I also had to squeeze in some Cambodia stuff. And then Ai died Thursday and Dan got sick Friday. Saturday was household day with a last minute dinner out. I slept around 12 and had to wake up at 3AM to go to the wake. And it was a sad moment, more than I expect it to be. When we came home it was more household work. And then Monday came and I am this.

Hmmm… In analysis, it’s physical and mental fatigue. My heart is sad and my body is overworked. (Wow, that was a good exercise)

Crazy how we ovethink or neglect what happens to us everyday. And then wonder why things are turning that way. Our body, though complex, is very logical. What goes in, goes out.

And so I continue with today acknowledging that my body is tired and that I have to understand if I may function less efficient than I used to. I’m glad I tuned in, and listened.

Who wants to wait…without a phone…or a book?  
Who wants to count the number of people who comes and goes?
Who wants to stare at vehicles slowly getting filled and moving out of the lot?
Who wants to fall in a line that doesnt move?
Who wants to see change happening to all that is in front of you except for the place you are in?
Who wants to see people and situations moving forward and leaving you behind?

Not a lot.
Only those who are forced to be in that situation.
Only those who, by an unfortunate swing of fate, lost her only means to communicate with people.
Only those who, by an unfortunate swing of fate, lost her only means to communicate with people.

And in this night, only me.

I am paralysed by sadness. My face shows it. It doesn’t bear a smile. It’s serious, almost drilling a gaze at the screen. My breathing is slow and heavy. It’s forced. I feel lazy to move or think or talk. I feel the need to be quiet and just stay still.

I feel the need to write, to pour out emotions and words that are difficult to express. I wanted to work but my body isn’t up for it. Something deep down feels guilty just moving and doing something. As if it is injustice to think of other things.

My friend is out there, eyes closed but imagining, thinking and living. She is probably wondering what is happening, why she can’t wake up and stand and move. She is probably confused and sad and worried, not for herself but for the people around her. She’s probably even thinking of work and of the people she was not able to say goodbye to.

I am sure her spirit is fighting, pressing forward to exist and be present. But she is at the mercy of her brain now. She is at the hands of the doctors and experts around her. She is in the arms of the people who love her dearly.

Wait for it, friend. You are in good hands. Wait for it. Enjoy the rest for you’ll come out of it again. The world is out here, waiting for you.

I did something.

Something that should have required thorough thinking.

But I gave in to what the heart says.

I weighed in some things but didn’t let myself overthink, lest I never do it at all.

I did it, without thinking what if it becomes true.

I told myself, one at a time.

Think about it when the time comes

Everything that’s new spurs anxiety.

But it also wakens excitement.

What if? 😊

I did something and it isn’t safe.

It’s uncharted territory. I’ll have to faceit with heels raised.

I need to unlearn and relearn.

I did something.

And I think it’s me not bein reckless

It’s being brave.

I’m afraid of the future.

I’m afraid to be in 2030.

I’m afraid to see and feel Mother Nature’s whip. I know it’ll hurt.

I’m afraid for my kids.

I’m afraid of the world they will grow up in.

I’m afraid that we don’t do enough to revert the problem.

I’m afraid that no one follows up on what to do after the Greta fever.

I’m afraid that self vested politicians and capitalists will still win over this issue despite all that has been said.

I’m afraid to accept the science.

I’m afraid, because if all these happen, we’ll definitely lose…big time.